Filed under: BBC, Eurovision Song Contest | Tags: Andy Abraham, BBC1, Bunch of Latvians dressed as pirates, Eurovision Song Contest, Love City Groove
There were just a bunch of Latvians, dressed as pirates, singing a song in which the main lyrics were ”Hi hi ho”, on Saturday night primetime BBC1. Try as I might, I can’t imagine any other TV format in which that would happen. Now that’s public service broadcasting for you. Never let it be said that the license fee isn’t worth every last penny.
Now, just for the heck of it, here’s a video of my favourite UK Eurovision entry ever. That’s right - I like it even better than that binman bloke’s effort from this year…
Filed under: Big Brother, Channel 4 | Tags: Big Brother, Channel 4, Dermot O'Leary
Big Brother is getting so close, you can almost smell the vomit. So what better way to make the whole thing bearable than to play your if-you-can’t-beat-’em-drink-yourself-into-oblivion card. To help, I’ve compiled a list of phrases and general goings-on to look out for during this year’s coverage. All you have to do is watch every last second of painful action from the BB house, and down a glass of something suitably coma-inducing each time you hear, or spot, any of the below…
- A housemate starts a sentence with “You know what…?”.
- A housemate starts a sentence with “At the end of the day…”.
- A housemate ends a sentence with “…end of”.
- A housemate describes a fellow housemate as being “real”.
- A housemate describes a fellow housemate as “being himself/being herself”.
- A housemate describes a fellow housemate as “playing a game”.
- A housemate or BB presenter uses the word “journey”.
- A BB presenter uses the word “cathartic” (likely to be more of a rarity this time, now that Dermot “All things must be described as cathartic” O’Leary has departed).
- A housemate says the word “Day”, followed by a number, in an attempted Geordie accent.
- A housemate demonstrates their furious rage at a fellow housemate by throwing a small amount of water at them.
- A housemate says in the diary room that they want to leave.
- A housemate uses “not gelling” with someone as a reason to nominate them.
- A housemate cries.
- A housemate defends himself/herself following an offensive outburst by saying “at least I’m being me/real/honest”, as if being “yourself” somehow makes it okay to scream obscenities into someone else’s face purely because they ate the last Hob-Nob. When did society come up with this new rule anyway?
So there it is - my attempt at making the BB clichés vaguely interactive. Feel free, of course, to add your own by using the comments thingy below. Not that I’m forcing you, or anything.
Whether it’s CSI: Miami, CSI: NY or just plain old generic CSI, they all have one thing in common: they’re shit. They could bring out a new addition to the franchise called CSI: Uranus for all I care. It would still be plopsy. Here’s some footage of David “Rubbish” Caruso, which could only too easily be used as Exhibit A in the case arguing that every single episode is exactly the bloomin’ same.
Filed under: BBC, Extraordinary People, Five, Heroes | Tags: Batman, BBC, Dawson's Creek, Extraordinary People, Five, Hayden Panettiere, Heroes, Supergirl, Superman
Heroes. It’s a bit like Five’s Extraordinary People, only less imaginative. In Five-speak, there’s ‘The Chubby Policeman Who Reads Minds’, ‘The Mexican Woman with Black Stuff Coming Out of Her Eyes’ and, spotted on BBC Three’s sneak peek edition last night, ‘The Girl Who’s Quite Good at Skipping and That’.
Yup, they’re a talented bunch and no mistaking. But is it just me, or has Season 2 of the Beeb’s big-budget import never really – erm – taken flight? None of them ever seem to actually do anything. Take retired cheerleader Claire (Hayden Panettiere) as a case in point. These days she’s less like Supergirl and more like some sort of lapsed Dawson’s Creek character, all whiney teen angst and no trousers.
Hopefully something – and by something, I mean anything – will happen soon to perk things up a bit. Until then though, it seems Superman, Batman and ‘The Boys Joined at the Head’ have got little to worry about.
Filed under: BBC, Big Brother, Channel 4, I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, ITV, The Apprentice | Tags: Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, The Apprentice
While the other reality big-hitters like Big Brother and I’m a Celebrity etc etc Blah-de-Blah-de-Blah increasingly seem like tired, spent formats, The Apprentice continues to make for fantastic viewing. That said, if the unthinkable happens and slimy slimeball Michael Sophocles somehow manages to win the thing, I’ll pretend never to have said any of the above. So there.
If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a…
(a) Cake
(b) Steak
(c) Drake
(d) Cadbury’s Flake
Filed under: Don't Forget the Lyrics, Gladiators, Sky One, The Simpsons | Tags: Gladiators, Shane Richie, Simpsons, Sky One
Awooga! Gladiators is finally back! And with Shane Richie presenting some contrived gameshow nonsense immediately after it on Sky One’s new-look Sunday night schedule, it’s like mid-90s Saturday night TV all over again. Except that it’s a Sunday, of course.
Apparently, this new Gladiators malarkey is “bigger and better” than the old one, although it has to be said that it seems pretty much the same, only without John Fashanu’s amazing technicolour waistcoats and a gaggle of glamour-model-looking-types where Jet and Lightning used to be.
Those of us who tuned in to this first episode hoping for a new collection of memorable moments to rival Wesley ‘Two Scoops’ Berry inexplicably leaping over a car, or that time Wolf growled at someone, were perhaps left a little apathetic towards the whole revival. In fact, the brief appearance of retro-Glad Saracen during each of the ad breaks was arguably the most interesting point of the whole thing.
Still, we’re the ones who’ve seen it all before, so it’s fair to say the novelty of seeing screaming familes waving over-sized foam hands at men in leotards beating each other across the spine with giant cotton buds probably wore off quite some time ago. But for the kids, who have never seen this stuff before on account of them being born ridiculously recently, it may well turn out to be a winner. Let’s hope so, even if they are only watching the slot in the first place because they think that The Simpsons is meant to be on.
Filed under: Great Moments in TV History | Tags: Great Moments in TV History, Morrissey, Pebble Mill
In any sane world, there would be an entire 24-hour channel dedicated to showing the following clip on a constant loop:
Filed under: Extraordinary People, Five, Russell Grant's Postcards | Tags: Extraordinary People, Five, Russell Grant's Postcards
Following on from my recent(ish) bout of poetry dedicated to the Half Man Half Tree episode of Five’s Extraordinary People, here’s a little game you can all play at home with granny and the kids. Below are some genuine episode titles from the show, along with some that I’ve made up – but which is which? Answers on the back of one of Russell Grant’s Postcards, please…
